Can't Stop Loving You
by Krystin
Summary: She left New York four years ago without explanation. Now she's returned and she wants her life back. She soon realizes everything and everyone that she once knew has changed. Will she be able to fit into the tight-knit group that formed in her absence?
1. Prologue

**Can't Stop Loving You**

**AN: I really don't need to start another story right now, but I sorta wrote this on whim and like the idea (I think) This story may seem like it's been done a million times, but I don't think this specific angle has been done. I have a slight sense of the direction this story headed in, but I haven't quite planned it all the way through… so you'll just have to go along with it..**

---Prologue---

She stood on the platform absently staring at the blurry motions of the bustling early morning crowds of the train station. She nervously flicked her ticket against her palm, reading the words it held one last time before stepping into the line to get into the line-up of people waiting for trains. She tried to ignore the bubbling motion in her stomach, wishing she didn't feel so nervous about seeing people she had known for a better part of her life. Just thinking about the people and city she was returning to made her more nervous.

New York.

She was going to New York. 

She wanted this. She needed it. But then why was she so frightened? The city held memories of a flawed past she had attempted to forget. One person in particular dominated these memories. 

It had been four years since she had last been in the city. She had tried to forget her old life and settle into a new life. A life in San Francisco. But San Francisco was not like she had anticipated. It was a great city, but she missed everything she had become so accustomed to in New York. In San Francisco she felt depressed almost constantly; she had no one to confide her overwhelming thoughts to. She had made a few friends; none were close enough that she could trust them completely. She missed the close-knit group of six she had once been a part of. She continuously wondered where they were, what they were doing with their lives and if they were thinking of her. 

She desperately wished she hadn't made the choice to leave. She hadn't realized everything she would lose until it was gone. She had lost her family her friends and worst of all she had lost the man whom she had come to realize had been the love of her life. She hated that it had taken her four years to realize what everyone else would probably have recognized in ten minutes.

He was the reason she knew she had to come back. It had been four years since she had last seen him. She knew he would want answers as to why she had left, but what would she say? She hadn't moved because she didn't love him. She did, there was no mistaking that, not now anyway. She had left because she was scared. Scared. Her reasons seemed so trivial, even to herself. If she couldn't even understand, how was he supposed to? She prayed he hadn't changed too much, that his life hadn't changed too much. She wanted him to be the same man she had left behind. The same man she fell in love with. She half expected to knock on the door of the apartment they had once shared and find the apartment exactly as she had left it. She had realized in between sessions of depression and feeling sorry for herself that she loved him and needed to go back, even if it was only to find closure. People deserved a second chance, right? Didn't she? She only hoped it wasn't too late. She desperately wanted to believe he would still love her, but the rational part of her brain argued it had been four years and he could be married or even have children. Her optimism gave her strength and hope for a new future, in which she could be happy.

She was snapped from her swirling thoughts by a train thunderously entering the station accompanied by a loud whistle. A kindly looking man dressed in the ticket collector's uniform smiled at her and offered her a greeting and smile, which she returned half-heartedly. He took her ticket and tore half of it off and handed it back to her, pointing out the coach she should board. She stepped over the small gap between the platform and the carpeted train floor. This was it she was going back. No turning back. As if on cue the last passengers scurried aboard and the doors closed automatically behind them. The locomotive began to move slowly down the tracks, quickly picking up speed, carrying her more and more quickly towards New York.

There was no turning back now.

She sighed using the long train-ride to prepare herself for the possibilities that awaited her in New York. 


	2. There And Back Again

**There And Back Again.**

**AN: *sigh* Finally I am back to working on my fanfics. It's winter break. (or it was when I FIRST started wrote this AN… since then two weeks have passed), so I should have tons of time, but it doesn't feel like I do :P Well at least I didn't get bazillions of pages of homework. I've already finished the third chapter, so that should be up soon, I just have to post it.**

This was it. She had to knock on the door. One knock and she would see a person who could link her back to her past. Taking a deep breath she prepared herself to knock, she raised her fist to the wood several times before she could bring her self to touch the door. Such a trivial thing seemed so important at that moment. 

She waited for the door to be answered, dozens of thoughts sifting through her head. A few moments later Ross appeared in the doorway. He was shocked to say the very least. He hugged her hard and held on tightly not wanting to let go. 

"Is it really you?" he asked, wanting to confirm she was actually there.

"Yeah, it's me."

Suddenly Ross' mood changed from thrilled to annoyed, "Four years! I haven't seen you in four damn years! Where the hell were you?" He asked holding her at arms length and looking carefully into her eyes, which appeared very child-like and blue at the moment.

"Ross! I know it's been four years! But I've been miserable. I can't live without you guys! I need you, I need Rachel, I need Phoebe, I need Joey, and I need Chandler so much! I hate my life now! I'm alone! I know I left and I know it was my choice to leave, but it was wrong. I was too embarrassed to come back. But I realized I needed to 'cause I couldn't go on like I was. I was miserable, I lied to myself thinking I could be without any of you. Please let me come back."

"Okay." he answered simply, she looked so helpless at that second, he felt a lump gather in his throat, "C'mon in Monica." Ross led Monica into his apartment; she half-smiled wistfully remembering things that had happened here in the past. Ugly naked guy used to live here... We always used to watch him, and laugh.. she thought. Phoebe and Rachel knew Chandler and I were dating when she saw us from here... 

Monica sadly walked into the apartment slightly surprised when she saw Phoebe seated on the couch. "Hello Monica. Glad you decided to join us, after four years we thought you had forgotten about us." She greeted coldly. Monica looked at her former friend, amazed at the extreme change in her appearance and attitude. She wasn't ditzy and confused and no longer wore her gaudy 'Phoebe' outfits. Her hair was shorter and more practical. She looked nothing like the Phoebe Monica knew. Then she realized something. Phoebe had grown-up. Monica felt a sudden pang of jealousy, wishing she could feel like she had matured through her experience. Right now, she just felt childish and immature for leaving in the first place.

"Wow, Phoebe you look different! You look mature!" Monica smiled, when Phoebe didn't return the gesture, Monica's grin faded. She looked at the floor dejectedly. 

"Thank you Monica." Phoebe answered stiffly, continuing to stare at Monica icily, "Why?" One simple word, one simple question. Yet she had no answer, at least not one that would make sense to her friends.

"I – I don't know – I guess – I guess I was scared. I went through a tough spot in my relationship with Chandler. I was too scared to fully giving him my heart and trust. I was scared of being loved. I was too scared to let him love me. But – But I'm - I'm not anymore." Phoebe relaxed slightly once given the answer; even if wasn't the one she wanted to hear.

"You left 'cause you were scared?" she scoffed.

"So, you want a drink?" Ross interrupted attempting to stop the hostility between Phoebe and Monica. Phoebe offered to help Ross get the drinks, in the kitchen.

"Yeah I'll have a coke. Diet please." As soon as they'd left and the door to the kitchen was closed, Monica dashed towards the window. She put her hands against the glass, blocking the glare from the lights in the apartment attempting to see into the apartment across the way. Luckily the curtains were opened. There he was. Chandler. Monica smiled; he looked just as gorgeous as ever, maybe even better than before. Age definitely suited him. The extra four years made him appear more mature, just like Phoebe he had grown up. For the first time Monica noticed Rachel was with Chandler and they were sitting together, snuggled under a blanket, they appeared to be watching TV. Suddenly they burst out laughing, snuggling into one another and talking. Monica felt a sharp twinge of jealousy. He wasn't supposed to be laughing with her** best friend. ** He wasn't supposed to be laughing at all! He was supposed to be miserable, as she had been. He was supposed to cry himself to sleep ever night, 'cause he missed her so much. He was supposed to welcome her back into him arms when she came back. He was supposed to tell her that he had never stopped loving her and he would love her forever. But now she wasn't so sure that is how it was going to be. He seemed happy, too happy. 

Monica heard Ross and Phoebe approaching with the drinks, so she raced back to the couch trying to appear innocent. She didn't want them to know she had been spying on Chandler. 

"Thanks," she said absentmindedly when Ross handed her the soda; her mind was elsewhere.

"So-" Ross attempted conversation, trying to fill the awkward silence, "Y'know we all missed you when you left. Joey was well Joey, he was upset, he missed you, but he was more upset about – um – his best friend. Rachel was hurt; she took your leaving to be her fault. She never really got over that. I think she still feels guilty. But it's hidden under her anger, she tried to hate you to make it hurt less. But she does love you, you were like one of her sisters. I think she felt horrible that after– um – y'know moved in you felt left out of everything she and Phoebe were doing." Ross babbled, cautiously avoiding Chandler's name and any other information about him. He gulped. And Phoebe who was sitting beside him patted his shoulder reassuringly.

Monica sighed. "Ross I'm not going to cry if you say his name. And Chandler what happened to him?"

This time Phoebe spoke. "Monica" Phoebe said sternly, her icy mood thawing only slightly, "You have no idea what you did to him when you left. He was a mess. It was pitiful. He cried for months. He refused to leave his apartment, for nearly 6 months. He refused to sleep in the room you and him used to share. He was barely what you would call living. You hurt him so badly. He loved you so much." Monica managed to keep the tears from escaping. Past tense. Loved. He loved you so much. Not he loves you so much. Monica forced away the negative thoughts, that didn't necessarily mean anything, she was blowing this out of proportion.

"Phoebe, Ross, you don't know how sorry I am! You, Rachel, Joey and Chandler are my family! San Francisco is dreadful! Horrible! I have no one! No friends, no anyone. I – I came back because I realized something I should have known all along. I love Chandler." Monica exclaimed exasperated.

"Whose fault is that, Monica? You chose to leave." Phoebe interjected venomously, her icy tone returning, "You can't just _saunter_ back in there and screw up his life on whim! He's happy now! He has a life again! It took us months to get him over you, nearly a year. He hated himself for months after you left. He was convinced it was his fault you left. He loved you to damn much to even consider it was your fault! If you _ever_ hurt him like that again, I swear I will hurt you. He didn't deserve the crap you gave him. If you love him, you will leave him alone. He's happy now." Monica was shocked when she realized how protective Phoebe was of Chandler.

"Phoebe's right Monica." Ross added, "You can't break his heart again. I don't think he could take it. He only really trusts Rachel. She's the one who made him realize he needed to move on, and she's helped him through everything. He's scared to death of being hurt again. He and Rachel became so close when you left. They took the impact of you leaving the hardest, both of them. They only really relied on one another to get through everything. If truth be told I think Chandler is the only person Rachel really trusts and vise-versa. They are both scared to death they are going to lose one another. You have no idea what your leaving did to the group. We tried to hold the group together but we couldn't. It was just slipping out of grasp too quickly. Joey barely ever saw us for the first year after you left. He started seeing us less and less, cause he could stand seeing Chandler so messed up. Rachel and Chandler were always together, crying over you, feeling sorry for themselves, too miserable to care. That left Phoebe and I. We started dating nearly a year ago. Everything has changed. People have changed. You have changed." Ross explained sternly.

"Does Chandler have a girlfriend?" Monica asked suddenly, desperately hoping for a negative answer.

"Well, not exactly." Phoebe answered, looking at Ross silently asking what she should answer.

"Do I know her?"

"It's not our place to say." Ross responded casually and Phoebe nodded, "You should ask him yourself. You can talk to him tomorrow. For tonight you can stay in our spare room. It's late."

"Our?"

"Yes." Phoebe replied her stiff attitude had returned, although not as heavily as before, "I live here too."

"Oh." Monica said, genuinely surprised, she had never imagined Phoebe and Ross getting along as a couple, much less steadily dating for a year and living together. They were just too different, but like Ross had said things had changed in the four years since she had seen them last. "I'll stay here for tonight, I guess, but I have to see him tomorrow, he has to know I love him! Maybe he still loves me too!"

Ross contemplated everything she said for a moment. He bit his lip and said, "We'll talk more tomorrow it's late. Nearly midnight. Just think over what you said. Are you being fair to him? Mon, it's been four years. If you tell him you love him what do you expect him to say? You don't seem to understand. He doesn't need you anymore. He's moved on." Ross stated angrily, "Just sleep and think about it." His voice softened and he pointed in the direction of the room she would be staying in.

Monica wandered in the direction of her room, while Phoebe and Ross left for their bedroom, hand in hand. Monica smiled wistfully. She missed that. It had been a long time since she had held anyone's hand. The last person she had held hands with was Chandler. She forced herself not to walk in the opposite direction, where the window was located. She told herself she really didn't want to see him laughing, especially if she couldn't be there with him. She shut her bedroom door, wondering what the next day's events would hold.

TBC…

AN: There's the end of the first real chapter and the next one is on it's way.. 


	3. Time To Face The Music

**Time To Face The Music**

**AN: Welcome to the next chapter of Can't Stop Loving You. I wrote this part written before the last one actually. I had an awesome dream, which some of the events in this story were based on. I think this chapter was by far easier to write. Anyways I hope you like it! Oh and thank you to those of you who help me decide on the proper ending for "He Loves Me Not" Now, please read on...**

By the time Monica had finally gathered up enough courage to face Chandler, it was ten o'clock. She had spent the better part of the day debating with herself, deciding how she should approach him. Well… that and looking out for him through Ross's apartment window. Unfortunately the curtains had been closed most the day. After multiple hours of watching and no change, she decided to get it over with and just go to his apartment. Although she couldn't help but wonder… What had he been doing all day? What could he be doing that he needed to keep his curtains were closed? Only one thought came to her mind and it made her feel slightly ill.

She now stood in front of his apartment door. One knock and she would be done waiting. She would see Chandler. Seeing him in person again would be much different than spying on him from Ross and Phoebe's apartment. She wouldn't be able to maintain the comfortable silence she had been allowed in the across-the-way apartment. Chandler would surely ask questions. That was, if he even permitted her to come inside. Maybe he didn't want to see her at all. It felt strange to be knocking on a door that for the better part of her life she had been allowed to walk through with out even bothering. It felt strange that it was now Chandler's apartment, when for long it had been hers and at one point both of theirs together. Taking a deep breath she raised a hand and swiftly tapped on the door. 

While standing outside the door, silently forcing herself not to run, Monica heard barely audible voices mumbling behind the door. Despite her years apart from the gang, she recognized one of the voices to be Chandler's and the other Rachel's. Feeling slightly embarrassed that she had stooped to the level of spying and eavesdropping, she checked around the hallway to make sure no one was watching and pushed her ear up against the door determined to hear their conversation more clearly.

"C'mon Rach! Lemme get the door!" Chandler's muffled voice said.

"But Honey!" Monica heard Rachel's stifled voice complain. Monica felt a rather large stab of anger towards her former best friend. Or maybe it was jealousy. Who did Rachel think she was calling Chandler honey? And more importantly, what was she doing in his apartment at 10 o'clock at night? Phoebe _had_ said Rachel and Chandler were close.. Monica decided she would think about this later, right now she just wanted to hear what they were saying.

More mumbling came from behind the door, "There is no one who would be knocking at ten at night! Joey's out on a date or three, and Phoebe and Ross are doing God knows what over at their apartment. C'mon we're watching a movie! It's just getting interesting! You know it's my favourite…" Rachel pleaded behind the door. Monica heard quiet giggling and then silence on the other side of the door. She felt uncomfortable, what were they doing? Why was it so quiet? Suddenly the voices returned.

"Fine. If you won't let me go, I guess I'll have to take you with me." More soft giggling. Monica felt nervous. Maybe knocking had been a bad idea; maybe coming here at all had been a bad idea.

Before she could even turn around to flee, the deadbolt slipped back with a bang of metal on wood and the door creaked open. Chandler appeared in the doorway with Rachel on his back. Neither one seemed to notice Monica at first. Rachel's legs were wrapped around his waist and she was kissing the side of Chandler's head. He was glancing sideways at Rachel and was whispering something to her that made her smile and shake her head.

Chandler paused what he was doing for a moment to tell the unexpected and unwanted visitor to please leave and that he was very busy at the moment, hopefully Rachel on his back would help illustrate his point and the person would get the idea and leave. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Monica, nearly dropping Rachel. He stood still, not knowing what else to do except stand frozen in spot.

After a few seconds of silence Rachel lifted her head up to speak to Chandler. "Chandler, swee-" she stopped mid sentence when she saw Monica. Her eyes widened, but she remained motionless, by this time Chandler had found his voice, "Monica?" his voice cracked.

"Yeah" she fought to hold her tears in check. Chandler. Rachel. Chandler **and** Rachel. 

Chandler and Rachel shared a personal, intimate look that made Monica feel extremely uncomfortable. Partially because her ex-boyfriend, a man she still loved was looking at her former best friend that way. 

Chandler and Rachel turned a way from one another and both smiled slightly at her. If Monica hadn't been so confused and jealous of Rachel at that moment, she might have thought it was funny how their actions were in unison. Monica couldn't tell if their smiles were genuine or not. Chandler leaned over and both he and Rachel who was still on his back hugged Monica. Even if she hug was unwillingly given she enjoyed the effort they were making to be friendly. She could have sworn she heard Chandler say 'I missed you Mon' when he had hugged her, but she decided not to comment.

As soon as the hug had broken, Rachel reluctantly invited Monica into the apartment. Clearly she was not over Monica's hasty departure and the way she had treated Chandler. Climbing down from Chandler's back Rachel wandered into the loving room. She flicked off the TV-VCR, which had been playing "Weekend At Bernie's". 

Monica nearly gasped when she hesitantly stepped into the apartment. It was obvious a woman lived here. It was the small things that gave it away, like Vogue magazines scattered on the coffee table; a pair of woman's sandals by the door; the lipstick tube on the counter; the pictures around the room plainly had a woman's touch. As much as Monica wanted to believe that that woman was not Rachel, she knew in her heart it was. Rachel clearly lives with Chandler, Monica thought, tears pricking the back of her eyes. She had a sudden urge to run straight out the apartment and never look back. Monica chided herself, she had spent four years without her friends and she wasn't going to wait any longer. 

It wasn't just the fact that Rachel lived here that bothered Monica. Everything was different. The walls were painted a light sea-green colour with darker trim. All the furniture Monica had left behind four years ago was gone and the new furniture was arranged differently. The furniture was something obviously picked out by Rachel and Chandler together. It was something they would both love. But Monica hated it instantly. She was surprised at how clean the apartment had been kept since she had been gone, she would never have expected Rachel and Chandler to be this orderly, neither one really cared about tidiness. She looked around the room, searching for anything of hers that had been left in the room. 

The last thing about the apartment that bothered Monica was the kitchen. It was no longer filled with her expensive spices and cooking equipment. All her stuff was gone and new things stood in their place. The kitchen was now a shrine to easy-cook foods, if you could even call them that. Junk food filled the cupboards along with multiple boxes of Kraft Dinner, Aunt Jermima Pancake mix and easy-pop butter-flavoured popcorn. One whole shelf was even dedicated to Betty Crocker cookie and Cake mixes.

Rachel noticed Monica's eyes scanning the apartment stopping on a certain few items, silently critiquing the living space. She was thankful for the silence, for once in her life Rachel had no idea what to say. Rachel never thought she would be like this with Monica. They had been best friends. They had always had **something** to talk about. Even small talk seemed awkward. Chandler stood by the doorway not knowing what to say either, he settled for looking at his hands, which were twisting together nervously. Suddenly he changed his mind and walked over to Rachel and sat down beside her with his arm around her shoulders. Monica frowned wistfully, remembering when it had been her in his embrace. He nodded in the direction of his barka lounger indicating she should sit in it.

Atleast one thing was the same. The barka lounger was still here. Even though she had once hated it, it made her feel slightly at ease and strangely comforted her. 

When Monica was seated in the chair, she turned to her former friend and her boyfriend. She asked the question she had been desperately wanting to know the answer to since she had seen Rachel on Chandler's back. She hoped for a negative answer, but that possibility was become less and less likely the more time she spent with the pair.

"So… Are you two –um- together? You know a couple?" Monica asked unsuccessfully trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice

"Yes"

Monica felt her heart snap in two with that one word. Rachel had always had everything Monica wanted. Rachel had it all, a dress-size of zero. Popularity. Friends. Attention. This was no different. Now she had Chandler too. 

Rachel almost defensively thrust he left hand under Monica's nose. Monica gasped when she saw the rock that sat smugly on Rachel's third finger. The glimmers of light shining off the rock almost made it look as if the diamond was laughing at her. The ring was gorgeous, no doubt about that. A stunning diamond sat, perched in between two sparkling emeralds. Monica felt her head go fuzzy. Monica had never felt so physically and emotionally sick in her life. 

Rachel and Chandler were engaged. 

The last thing Monica remembered thinking before everything went black was that, the ring Rachel wore on her left hand might have been hers if she hadn't been so stupid.

**TBC…**

**AN: Next chapter will be out soon, hopefully by Sunday.**


	4. Unbreakable

**Unbreakable**

**AN: I haven't posted any Chapters for this story in a while, although I wrote several versions of this chapter until I was finally happy with it. Pleas read and enjoy. Leaving a review wouldn't hurt either!**

Rachel gasped, her hands flying to cover her face. She watched Monica fall as if in slow motion. Monica's once energetic blue eyes flickered shut. Rachel watched though her fingers filled with dread. She watched as Chandler dived attempting to prevent Monica from crashing into the coffee table, but to no avail, her small form had already crumpled as her head hit the edge of the wooden table with a dull, aching thud. Rachel glanced quickly at Chandler; thankfully noting her fiancé was not hurt. He pulled himself into a sitting position and immediately noticed Monica was unconscious. Rachel's eyes connected with Chandler and as if they had spoken about it, burst into action. Rachel went to fetch a glass of water, while Chandler focused on waking Monica. He knelt next to Monica desperately trying to force her to open her eyes. 

As she filled the cup with tap water Rachel felt like bursting into tears. The past four years she had spent despising Monica for abandoning Chandler and herself without any apparent reason. Now that her former best friend was unconscious on the floor of her living room Rachel felt strangely empty. She didn't know which of her conflicting emotions she should believe to be her true feelings. She had thought up until mere seconds ago that Monica's actions were unforgivable, no matter what the circumstances. But now her whole perspective on her friendship with Monica was blurry.

She rushed to towards Chandler and Monica in two quick strides and kneeled beside him on the carpeted floor and handed him the glass she had half-filled with water. It was always half-full, never half-empty, she reminded herself. Monica was going to be okay. Be optimistic, think on the bright side her mind screamed. She was shocked out of her reverie by Chandler's soft voice, "Rach, it's been nearly a minute, she hasn't moved. I – I think I can still feel her pulse though." He grimaced, "I – I think we need an ambulance." Chandler stated his voice cracking with the last syllable.

Rachel scrambled to her feet reaching for the cordless phone she kept on the coffee table. With shaking fingers she dialled the three digits, anxiously waiting for someone to pick up on the other end. After two rings, which seemed to last forever a bored voice answered. 

"911. Is there an emergency situation?"

"Yes. My – my – uh – friend," Rachel said quietly, struggling for the correct word to describe Monica, "she's unconscious. I - she hit her head on - a coffee table. My fiancé and I haven't been able to wake her." Rachel informed the operator, stumbling over her words. Rachel calmed considerably when she felt Chandler reach over Monica's still body to stroke her back comfortingly. Everything would be okay. Monica would be okay. Right?

"Okay Ma'am, Your name please? And where is your apartment located?"

"Rachel Greene. Corner of 52nd and 5th, building 3, apartment 20." Rachel choked into the receiver, "Please hurry," she added urgently.

"The ambulance is on its way Ma'am." The operator told her calmly. A click was heard and the dial tone began pulsing steadily in her ear. Rachel reached out toward Chandler who was sitting on the sofa, next to Monica whom he had moved during Rachel's brief phone conversation. Rachel sat on his lap and wrapped herself in her arms; she was willing to take comfort anyway she could get it. Rachel began to sob helplessly. Chandler instinctively tightened his grip around her waist, meanwhile staring at Monica's lifeless expression. 

This was not the way it was supposed to be. Less than 24 hours ago Rachel had been perfectly content. She had a job she loved, a wonderful apartment, a group of devoted friends and she was to be married in two months to Chandler. Of all the things that could have gone wrong, this was the thing she least expected. Maybe she had expected the wedding centrepieces to be the wrong colour or the bridesmaid dresses the wrong size, she would never have imagined that Monica would return. After four years, the group had become accustomed to Monica's absence and had never really expected her to return. They had settled into new lives, which did not include her. They rarely even thought of her anymore. Sure they would always have memories and never forget her, but she was the past and they were focused on the future. Rachel bit her lip, "Maybe time doesn't heal all" she whispered to herself, "It just covers it up."

She hugged her arms around herself, in the process pulling Chandler's arms tighter around her. She wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. She wanted to go back to yesterday, when there was no Monica and she was peacefully asleep in Chandler's arms without a care in the world. She wanted to be anywhere but here. Rachel paused her thoughts a moment, suddenly wondering what Chandler was feeling. She had deep suspicions Chandler still loved Monica. Months ago she had caught him staring at a picture of himself and Monica. She had accused him of still loving her; he had denied it. She had forgiven him, but she refused to believe he was fully over Monica. And that made her jealous. She knew she was being slightly hypocritical; after all she still had lingering feelings for Ross. Despite her irrational fears she knew Chandler would never hurt her, not like he had been hurt. He knew the emotional pain it caused, from first hand experience and would never inflict it upon her.

Rachel was once again snapped out of her thoughts, this time by the sound of an approaching ambulance. Rachel looked at her watch and realized it had only taken two minutes for the emergency team to arrive. It had seemed so much longer.

With in minutes Monica had been carted off, placed on a stretcher and on her way to the emergency room. Rachel and Chandler followed closely in a cab. 

Chandler was the first to break the silence overtaking the cab, "Rach? You okay, honey? I – I know Monica's re-appearance is a shock to say the least."

"Chandler," Rachel said out of the blue, ignoring his question, "You still love her. Admit it." Rachel said fighting a sob, "I – I saw the look on your face when you realized she was unconscious. It was like you were hurting along with her." 

"Rachel, Of course I love her."

"You selfish b--" Rachel began to protest but was cut off by Chandler, "I do love her, but it's nothing compared to what I feel for you. The past three years have been some of the best of my life. I got through them without Monica because - because I had you. I love you."

Rachel smiled modestly, swallowing the lump in her throat, "You don't mean that, Chandler."

"I do. I'm marrying you aren't I? I couldn't do that if I didn't love you. And I do. I will always have a soft spot for Monica. She was my first true love like Ross was yours. I understand your past relationship with Ross and I'm asking of you is to try and understand my past relationship with Monica. I may have loved her once and I may even have lingering feelings for her now, I'm not even sure myself. Seeing her today was a shock and brought old feelings to the surface but that – it doesn't affect what we have." He said kissing her lightly for effect.

Rachel sighed hugging Chandler tightly, "You always know just the right things to say; you always have. Where do you come up with your charming little speeches that make me go from wanting to hit you, to wanting to kiss you?" She asked a smile tugging on her lips, before turning her expression to a serious one, "I thought I'd lost you for a moment there. Y'know I was always afraid Monica would return and – and she'd take you away from me. I never thought I could compete with her. She cooks, she cleans, what do I do?" She asked him resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'm not going anytime soon, and you don't need to do anything, you're perfect already." he assured her. Despite as Chandler's reassurances Rachel still felt insecure, but decided not to voice her opinions.

Rachel and Chandler arrived at the hospital a few minutes later and were told by the somewhat plump, but friendly receptionist to take a seat in the waiting room. The décor of the room was plain. The walls were a soft blue colour and contrasted unpleasantly against the tiled black and white of the floor. Comfortable-looking, blue armchairs circled the room. The other furniture in the room only consisted of a small coffee table, which held dozens of magazines, stacked in a messy pile.

The couple sat uncomfortably in the corner of room hoping for the best. Chandler called the other three group members informing them of Monica's situation. They had arrived shortly after to find Chandler and Rachel curled up together, asleep.

"Huh?" Rachel mumbled sleepily when she felt herself being shaken awake, she felt Chandler's shoulder being pulled out from underneath her head and gasped as her head hit the wall.

"Ow." She muttered angrily. She opened her eyes to see Ross shaking her awake and Phoebe doing the same to Chandler. 

"Wake-up sleepy heads!" Phoebe yelled cheerily. Rachel fought the urge to smack her to get her shut-up. Instead she muttered, "I'm up, I'm up!" Beside her Chandler yawned, stretching his arms and asked, "What's wrong?"

"Mon's gonna be fine. She's sleeping." Ross informed. "Yeah" Phoebe added, "We can see her in about half-an-hour, though. The doctor said she'd probably be awake by then. We woke you up because we thought you might want to know." She paused. "Well that and we're dying to find out what got her in this condition. What happened? Didja punch her for hurting your Chandler?" Phoebe teasingly asked Rachel.

"Hell no." Rachel smiled slightly, "She fainted and hit her head on the coffee table." "Yeah," added Chandler who up until this point had been silent, "She fainted when Rach and I told her we were engaged."

"Well that seems to be a very common reaction, when people hear about your engagement." Phoebe stated dryly, looking pointedly at Ross.

"Haha, funny." Ross said, non-smiling, before steering the conversation topic back to Monica, "I knew that she was bound to be upset but-"

"Hold it." Chandler commanded, "You knew? How did you know? She had been at our apartment for no more than five minutes before she passed out. Was she with you before? Have you been talking to her for the past four years behind our backs?"

"Yeah about that--" Ross said reluctantly, "Um yeah, uh Pheebs?" 

Phoebe rolled her eyes and looked at her boyfriend, "What Ross was so nicely trying to say is that Monica spent the night at our apartment. She didn't want us to tell you or Rachel because she was sure you were upset with her." 

"Damn right." Rachel growled, "How could we _not _be upset with her?" Chandler nodded slightly, in agreement.

"That was the first time we'd seen or heard from her since she left though." Ross added quickly trying to avoid Chandler and Rachel getting angry with him. Anyway, it wasn't like he was lying, that was the straight truth. 

Silence over took the foursome for a few minutes until Chandler spoke realizing Joey wasn't with them, "Where's Joey didn't he come with you guys?"

"Oh yeah, he's in the cafeteria, he was starving. Although, come to think of it he has been there a while." Phoebe giggled. The rest shrugged nonchalantly, they were all accustomed to Joey's unbelievable appetite. As if on cue, Joey entered from the far hallway carrying several large wrapped sandwiches.

"Hi, Ross, Pheebs. Oh Chandler, Rach you're awake." He nodded to each person in acknowledgement as he spoke his or her name. He dumped his armful of sandwiches on Ross' lap. "I figured you guys might be hungry." Joey said taking a seat next to Rachel. Rachel smiled, Joey had changed a lot in four years, he was still the skirt-chasing womanizer he had always been, but now he depended on his friends much more, he was much more considerate of other's feelings.

"Thank Joe. I am pretty hungry." Chandler said grabbing one of the sandwiches, as soon as he had unwrapped enough to eat, Rachel reached up and took a bite. "Ah" Chandler teased, "There's a Rachel on my sandwich." She smirked and kissed him. Then took the sandwich from him taking another bite, "I guess I'm not the only one who's hungry," Chandler remarked, taking his sandwich back from Rachel.

While waiting for Monica to wake up, the quintet talked about and reminisced about their lives before Monica's mysterious disappearance. They pointed out things that had changed since she had left. Chandler and Ross had learned to cook relatively well, realizing soon after Monica's departure they no longer had someone to cook decent food. Rachel, Joey and Phoebe then relied on Chandler and Ross to cook for them. They had learned to solve their own problems and take care of themselves. They had learned to move on. And that was exactly what they did. Phoebe and Ross and Rachel and Chandler had paired up, seeking comfort in one another's arms. Joey relied on acting and random women to keep himself busy.

Whether they would admit it or not all five group-members felt that Monica's departure had done their group more good than bad. It had helped them grow up and they were happy. It was Rachel who finally voiced the thoughts all had been thinking, "Y'know I spent four years wondering where the hell Monica went, missing her, wishing she would call or something, but now that she is back, I feel like I don't need her anymore, like I don't even really want her back. Am I a terrible person or what?" Rachel sniffed. Chandler rubbed her back reassuringly.

"No honey," Phoebe comforted, "I – I think we all feel like that. I know I do. My life was close to perfect, I recovered from losing Monica and all the sudden she's back and – and it's hard to deal with. We know how you feel."

Rachel pulled Phoebe into a hug, Chandler joined in, then Joey and soon all five were hugging furiously, in a silent promise that they would not let Monica's return tear them apart. She had broken them once, it would not happen again. Ever.

**TBC…**

**AN: I really liked writing that Chapter! It was so much fun to write, and (surprisingly) I love the way Chandler and Rachel fit together. However since I have started two versions of the next couple chapters I need you to chose which one you want to be posted, this can be a _Chandler and Rachel_ story or develop into a _Monica and Chandler_ story! Please review and tell me which you would prefer! Although I will say Ross and Phoebe are staying together, I think they are good together. Also there is NO chance of a Joey/Monica thing, I absolutely _hate_ them together.**


	5. Patience is a Virtue

**Patience is a Virtue**

**AN: Thank you so much all for all your ideas and help with deciding the future of this fic. I was very happily surprised to find all the responses waiting for me in my inbox! Whichever way you hoped this story would go, I hope you continue reading anyway! Sorry for the delay on this fic, I had planned on having it up two days ago, but ff.net wasn't letting me upload. In fair warning I will tell you I am one of those people who does not forgive others easily. They have to bitch and grovel for forgiveness if they do something such as Monica did in the story. I hate stories where Monica looks sad, says and Chandler takes one look at her and replies I forgive you. It's not that easy. So if you don't want to see arguments and begging for forgiveness, you won't like this story.**

~

The group of five crept quietly into the bare hospital room Monica currently inhabited, carefully not to disturb her sleeping form. It was hard not to notice how ghostly she looked, her pale skin hardly contrasted from the white bed sheets, which were twisted around her small body tightly, no doubt during a fit of restless sleep. 

Looking at his former love, Chandler felt slightly guilty for his previous thoughts; he'd wanted nothing to do with Monica. He had wanted nothing more than to kick her out of his life and never see her again, leaving him free to concentrate all his energy on his developing relationship with Rachel, in peace. Looking at her such a fragile state confused him, he tried to convince himself he felt sorry for her and maybe even himself, but something in the back of his mind nagged that wasn't right. He casually chose to ignore it. A task made easier by Rachel slipping her arms around his waist in soft embrace. He could and should be focusing on Rachel, not his past with Monica. Tearing his eyes away from Monica's face, Chandler concentrated all his being into what Rachel was saying.

"Hon, you're scaring me. You've been staring into space since we've entered the room. Say something, Chandler, please!" Rachel begged looking worried.

"Rach, I'm – okay – I think." He pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head, "I'm sorry I scared ya, babe, it's just this is a lot to take in, in less than a twenty-four hours, y'know?"

"I know. Believe me, I know. I just never expected her back, and here she is. I just don't know how she fits into my life anymore. And I am so sorry, I feel so confused about this whole thing; it must be ten times as bad for you."

"It's just a lot to take in, but we can do it. We're strong." He smiled into her eyes/

"Promise?" Rachel asked sounding much younger than her thirty years.

"I promise. C'mon the guys are about to wake her up." Chandler informed Rachel pulling her by her hand to the edge of Monica's hospital bed.

~

Monica opened one blue eye groggily when she felt herself being gingerly shaken awake. Yawning and propping herself up on her elbows for a better view of her visitors, Monica spotted a tall blonde-haired figure leaning over her bed.

"Phoebe?" Monica questioned the figure timidly; still wary of the cold attitude Phoebe had shown her the previous day.

"Uh huh." She answered with a hint of hostility in her voice, "How you feeling Monica?" 

"Not too good," Monica admitted guardedly, "I feel like I've been hit by a car."

"Pretty close," Phoebe said, her cold demeanour gone. She seemed to be trying - and failing - to sound positive, "You hit your head on a coffee table. Chandler and Rachel's coffee table to be exact." Monica gasped, the previous night's memories flooding back in a rush. Rachel and Chandler. Engaged, to be married. Suddenly feeling much more awake, Monica burst into a rambling speech.

"Ch-chan-chandler an-and R-r-Rachel?" Monica stuttered, choking on her own words, "They're engaged aren't they?" she asked snippily, "Whoo-boy! I – I'm happy for them, let me tell you, just **so** happy. After all she is my former best friend and he's the man I love! **Loved**! I meant **loved**!! I do **not** love Chandler. I hope they're happy... together and I mean **really** happy. Especially Chandler. Well and Rachel too of course." Monica rambled in one quick breath, bursting into tears when she was finished.

"Uh, Monica. You alright there, honey?" A voice asked compassionately.

"Yes, Phoe-" Monica was about to answer and then she realized it was not Phoebe's voice she had heard. She looked up into the eyes of Rachel. Monica felt a deep blush creeping over her cheeks, "I'm sorry Rachel; my outburst was uncalled for I was just – uh – y'know – disoriented. I – um – I really want the best for you and Ch-chandler. " Monica said, not meaning a word she said.

"I know. You're going through a rough time." Rachel answered sitting on the side of Monica's bed, straining to keep her voice even and trying not to hate her former best friend for hurting Chandler.

Monica looked past Rachel and noticed Ross, Joey and Chandler were there too. She turned a shade pinker; had they all heard her stupid outburst? Monica looked down at her white bed sheet, concentrating on the fraying edges of the material.

Monica sat silently watching the group interact with one another. As Ross approached, Phoebe grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers and holding it tightly against her side, in a comforting gesture, which he accepted, gladly. He planted a short peck of appreciation on her lips and hugged her close to him. Chandler rested his chin on Rachel's shoulders, so he could see over the four other people, who had crowded the room and obscured his view. He also wrapped his arms protectively across Rachel's waist. Monica noted Joey looked vaguely out of place leaning slightly against Chandler and Rachel, in a semi-menacing stance. It was clear he was not ready to accept that Monica had no intentions of hurting Chandler and Rachel. Joey may have looked out of place, but it was nothing compared to how out of place Monica felt. Four years had been enough for them to forget her and move on with their lives. They were a group; they were united. Without her.

She tried to be happy for them… but she just couldn't. It wasn't because she was angry, or upset or even sad. She was jealous.

~

"I have good news and bad news!" Ross informed Monica in an overly cheerful voice, as he entered the hospital room the next day. Monica rolled her eyes, wondering what possible good news Ross could bring her.

"Yes?" Monica asked, short-tempered, due to a number of reasons. Mainly the thought of Rachel and Chandler.

"You can come home! Yay!" Ross added, grinning and waving his hands in the air, with false enthusiasm. Phoebe entered, stood near the bed wrapping her left arm around Ross' shoulders carelessly. She looked at Ross, wordlessly encouraging him to continue.

"Was that the good news or the bad news?" Monica asked dryly. Phoebe smiled politely. 'How do you act around someone who you haven't spoken to in four years? Especially when she's always so cynical?' Phoebe thought wearily. She could think of a few dozen things she would rather be doing than sitting here with Monica. Most of them included Ross. She smiled at that thought. But Ross was staying with Monica and she wanted to be with him. She knew Monica was Ross' sister and she had to respect that.

"The good news, I think." Ross replied unsure what to say to his sister, he wasn't used to this new sarcastic, pessimistic side of her, she had always been an open, and generally optimistic person. The thought that she had changed so much scared him somewhat. It brought him little comfort knowing that he had changed, too.

"And the bad news?" Monica asked impatiently. Just what the doctor called for! More stress. More strain. More pressure. More chaos. More problems. Where were all the damn solutions? Coming to New York was supposed to help her not quadruple her constantly growing list of problems. 

"Uh. You can't stay with me and Pheebs anymore, Mom is staying with us." Ross gulped, preparing himself for the worst reaction.

"Mom? Oh crap! Just what I need! As if I don't have enough stress in my screwed up life. Yes, yes, it's my fault, I know." Monica snorted sarcastically, "But that doesn't mean I want Mom to tell me – no, maybe that's not the right word – _lecture_ me about all my imperfections and exactly how I managed to screw up my life. I can't do it anymore, Ross. I just can't deal with her and her crap. Sh - She'll just whine and complain and nag an-and criticize me and my life or lack thereof." Monica sniffed.

'Talk about whining and complaining...' Phoebe thought sarcastically. Instead of voicing her opinions, Phoebe thought of what Ross would want and tried comforting Monica.

"Mon. She's not heartless-" Phoebe began lightly, only to be cut off by Monica scoffing.

"What the fuck do you know?" Monica asked, releasing her frustrations on an innocent Phoebe, "You have the perfect life: a live in boyfriend, a good job, a – a good apartment, good friends. What else does a person need, huh? If you give me one, one tiny complaint about your life – let me tell you, you are so, so wrong. Mom has nothing to complain to you about because you have a perfect everything. A perfect life. I on the other hand have nothing. Do you know how much it hurts to see all of you happy? Especially Chandler? When I left him I was miserable. And I have been since. But he's not. He's – he's happy. He's going to be married. To Rachel." Monica sniffled, feeling very sorry for herself. Phoebe found she had little sympathy for Monica at the moment.

"Whose damn fault is it that you no longer have any of those things? _You_ had the perfect life: a live in boyfriend, a good job, a good apartment, good friends, but then you left. It's not my fault you decided to skip out on your life. I didn't push you through the door and force you to abandon us. That was your own choice. You made the wrong one. Deal with it. You – You'd rather just complain and bitch about your life than try to fix it. Don't put the blame on us. You don't know half of what has happened since you left. Did you know Chandler was diagnosed with depression about 6 months after you left? Did you know that Rachel has suffered two miscarriages? That Joey was in an alcohol rehab for nearly six months? Don't pretend it was a little fairy tale for us, Monica. We had to work to get where we are now. Don't expect any sympathy from me, _Monica_." Phoebe fumed, storming out of the room. Ross watched his girlfriend huff out the door, however, stayed to try and calm his sister. He knew she would understand. Phoebe had Rachel, Chandler and Joey. Monica had no one.

"Wha – what?"

"Mom loves you." Ross insisted meekly, defending his mother, "She just has trouble showing she cares. She missed you, Mon. You have no idea how worried she was when we told her you were gone, I think her exact words were: 'My baby girl! Ross! How could you let her escape?'" Ross paused, "See she cares, she's just a little different at expressing it."

"No, Ross! I meant what Phoebe said about Chandler, Rachel and Joey?" Monica asked incredulously, "Is it all true?"

"Well, yes – maybe – sort of –"

"H- how? Why? What happened after?"

"You sure you want to hear this?"

"Yes." Monica said feeling very ashamed of her conversation – if it could be called that – with Phoebe. Phoebe was right. She knew nothing about them anymore.

"Oohkay, if you say so. When Joey felt the group was falling apart, he took it hard. He started drinking. First it was just a glass to calm him down, next it was a several drinks a day, until finally he was drinking bottles a day. He drank nearly everyday for a year, and none of us knew about it, we didn't see him much at all, we thought he was focused on his acting career. He realized he had a problem about a year and a half after you left. He confronted us and asked us to help him. Rachel and Chandler encouraged him, even though they had their own problems – Chandler was depressed after you left him. He took it the hardest of all I think. He was always in the apartment, he never went out, hardly ate. He was miserable. Rachel had her first miscarriage shortly after-"

Monica interrupted anxiously, "Was it Chandler's baby? He was over me and dating other people in six months?"

"No, no, it wasn't Chandler's kid. The father was some guy she only seen a few times and never introduced to us. Stefan or Steven or something. He wanted nothing to do with his kid. Anyways, Rachel and Chandler helped each other out a lot; it was a really hard time for both of them. When Phoebe and Rachel's apartment burned down, Rachel decided to live with Chandler. They became the really close. Rachel moved in to the apartment with Chandler, into the guest bedroom. They wanted to be close together, they found it helped them deal with problems when the other was nearby. They were still platonic at the time. So when Phoebe's new apartment was ready, Rachel chose to stay with Chandler. About six months after that they started dating. So almost 2 years after you left." 

"Oh" Monica said, not knowing what else to say, "But didn't Phoebe say Rachel had two miscarriages?"

"Yeah, Rachel had her second miscarriage shortly after her and Chandler's first anniversary. Both were devastated. But kept together, they felt to strongly to let it ruin their relationship." Ross said, his last sentence holding a not-so-subtle warning.

"I never knew. I'm so sorry Ross; I'm just confused and upset. I'm so sorry. I really don't mean to take my frustrations out on you or Phoebe or anyone!"

"It's okay, Mon, don't worry." Monica smiled slightly, that had been the first time anyone had called her 'Mon' in four years. Strangely, she had missed the nickname she once rolled her eyes at.

"Thank you."

"What I came here to tell you in the first place is you can't stay with Phoebe and I, because Mom is coming overnight."

"But if I can't stay with you – whom can I stay with? Joey?"

"Not exactly. Joey lives in a one-bedroom studio apartment a few minutes away. He doesn't have an extra room. Unless you count his couch." Ross joked weakly.

"Oh." Monica said, breezing past Ross' comment, "Do I have to find a hotel then?"

"Um – no. You can stay at Rachel and Chandler's apartment in their extra bedroom?" Ross half-asked, half-stated hopefully.

"Oh-ho no! You have got to be kidding me! There is absolutely no way in hell I am staying with my ex-boyfriend who I may _possibly _– um – have feelings for and his fiancée, no fucking way Ross. Just no. I'd rather sleep on Joey's couch."

"They're the only ones with space. Please Monica? I was kidding about Joey's couch. You're sick. Someone needs to wake you up every hour. Do you honestly trust Joey to do that? You can't stay on a couch anyway."

"Yuh-huh. I can. And will."

"No you won't. Rachel and Chandler have already agreed to let you stay with them Mon. And you will! There will be no compromising. Whether you will believe it or not, I don't know, but they both miss you and are as terrified of hurting you as you are terrified of hurting either them." Ross stated knowledgeably.

"What are you? A mind reader?"

"Nope, but pretty good, huh? Pheebs taught me a few things about reading people's facial and bodily expressions more accurately. I can interpret other people's feelings pretty well now." Ross said proudly, "Pheebs is really good at teaching all that stuff, y'know."

"Yeah," Monica paused, "Thanks, Ross. You really are a good big brother..."

"I know." Ross smiled slightly before turning to leave, "Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler and Joey don't hate you, Monica. They love you. All of them. They just need some time to adjust, they'll come around eventually, just let them do it in their own time." He said quietly as he shut the door behind him.

~

**AN: I know this chapter doesn't really establish anything, or indicate in any way which route this story is going, Chandler and Monica or Chandler and Rachel wise. However, it is setting up the future chapters. I now have a vague idea where this story is headed. I've read all the reviews and taken into consideration what everyone has said, thanks for the help. Since I have two days of school left, I should be able to have another chapter up sometime in the next one or two weeks. **

**Please review and tell me your thoughts!**


	6. Everybody Hurts

**Everybody Hurts**

**AN: First of all, I finished and got this chapter out in just under a week! I'm soo proud of myself:) The next chapter may be a little longer wait. Once again thank you for kind reviews. Answers are coming, I swear! In this chapter you will finally start to receive answers to some of the questions this story has created… I think. Finally, sorry if the chapter title is crappy, but I couldn't think of a good title, so when 'Everybody Hurts' (by R.E.M.) came on the radio, I decided it was good and true enough for this chapter.. Please read and review!**

~

Monica waited as patiently as she could for Rachel and Chandler to arrive. Ross had informed her that the couple would be picking her up at quarter after five - in ten minutes. Her frazzled nerves were doing nothing to help. She was uncomfortable meeting with two people she had once loved very much. It didn't feel right to be so unsure of herself around either Chandler or Rachel, together they knew more about her than she knew herself. A steady flow of emotions rushed through Monica's mind and body as it finally hit her. She had never realized until this exact moment. Chandler would never be hers again. He was going to be married. Married. It sounded so final, so irreversible. 

A wedding. There would be a wedding. Chandler's wedding. From the moment Chandler's lips had met hers in London, that fateful night 6 years ago, Monica had thought if anyone would marry Chandler, it would be herself. And now, she wasn't sure what to think. It was clear to her Rachel and Chandler were in love; they understood one another, they needed one another. Most of all they trusted one another. That's what love is Monica reminded herself. She hadn't fully let herself love Chandler until it was too late, she hadn't let herself trust him. Now four years later the situation was reversed. Chandler couldn't bring himself to trust Monica. 

Setting aside her negative thoughts, Monica tried to convince herself she wanted Chandler to be happy – she just wished he could be happy with her. But he wasn't; he was happy with Rachel. That much was obvious. Monica could live with that. She knew Rachel would never hurt him like she had. She loved and hated that fact simultaneously. She loved Rachel's confidence and ability to trust a person so completely. She hated that Rachel would always appear a better person in Chandler's eyes because of that.

Monica bit her lip, trying to stop the onslaught of tears she knew was coming. She would not cry over Chandler. Not again. He was her past. And it would stay that way. Chandler wouldn't have it any other way. He wasn't ready to forgive her, yet. But he would, eventually. They all would, they had to, didn't they?

Ross last words to her the previous night echoed in her head: 

_'Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler and Joey don't hate you, Monica. They love you. All of them. They just need some time to adjust, they'll come around eventually, just let them do it in their own time.'_

'_Their own time_?' Monica thought miserably, _Their own time_ could take days or months or even years. She wasn't sure if she could wait that long.

Up until Ross the moment Ross had said those words, Monica was beginning to seriously doubt if anyone cared about – let alone loved her at all. She trusted Ross; he would lie about something of so much importance to Monica. He knew better.

Although Ross' speech had startled her, it was Phoebe's more angst-filled one, which had kept her awake last night. Rachel's two miscarriages… Joey's alcohol troubles… Chandler's depression... She was partially - if not fully to blame for more than half of these events. She had basically told Phoebe, that the group couldn't possibly have felt as much pain as she had. And yet she had caused them more tragedy and hurt than she had caused herself. 'How could I have been so stupid' Monica admonished herself. How could they go through so much heartache, while she lived in oblivion? They didn't act like they had gone through such complications; they were happy, almost carefree. They were mature, she realized. They had stuck together. They had talked about their problems. They had sought help. They had moved on. What they had not done was run away from the problems. They had not dwelled on past mishaps, feeling sorry for themselves, like Monica. Suddenly Monica felt much like a much smaller person than the rest. 

Monica had spent the entire night thinking of ways to apologize. 

When Monica looked up, she realized she was not alone. Standing in the doorway of the hospital room she had inhabited for the past two days, was a tired-looking Chandler, half slumped on an equally exhausted Rachel.

When they met Monica's gaze they both smiled half-heartedly. Monica noted neither smile was genuine. Phoebe had probably told them what she had said. She couldn't blame them for being upset. Both Rachel and Chandler's blue eyes sparkled for a second, raising Monica's hopes, before returning to the tired looking ones they had entered with. Monica suppressed a smile at how their expressions changed in unison. If she wasn't so against Chandler being with anyone other than herself, Monica might have even said they looked cute. Together. Monica smiled her first genuine smile of the day. Maybe she could do this. It wasn't so bad really- it was a band-aid solution in reality, but if it helped the hurt and it was simple, much simpler than she would have thought, she had nothing to lose by trying. She could be happy for them.

"Hi." Chandler stated somewhat distantly, with his eyes directed at the floor, "You ready to come to our place. I don't know if you remember from when you were there for a few minutes before you fainted, but the apartment has really – um – changed. It's not as clean as when you lived there, but we – we like it." He said somewhat defiantly.

"Yeah, I – I can't wait to get away from this hospital, it's horrible. Ross tells me you've learned to cook! I can't wait for real food! I'm sick of this hospital mush." Monica exclaimed ignoring Chandler's distant mood and trying to be cheerful. Out of the corner of her eye, Monica noticed Rachel shoot her a rather grateful glance. This was hard for Chandler, too, she realized.

"We're ready to go anytime you are, Monica." Rachel told her.

"I'm ready. I just gotta grab my purse and coat," she explained, as she grabbed her belongings that had been strewn messily on a nearby chair. Rachel and Chandler looked somewhat surprised that Monica had allowed something to be less than neatly organized. Monica followed the twosome outside and towards a new-looking car. 

"Is this yours?" Monica asked, looking between Rachel and Chandler.

"Yeah." They replied in unison.

"We split the costs, so we share the car," Rachel explained, Monica smiled wistfully, Chandler and Rachel's lives were so intertwined it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began, "Chandler works nearby my office, so we usually go to work together." Monica slipped quietly into the backseat, realizing she didn't even know what Chandler or Rachel did for a living anymore.

"Oh," Monica said, unable to think of any other response. For the whole ten minutes it took to drive to the apartment, Monica contemplated confronting Rachel and Chandler about what Phoebe and Ross had told her the previous day. Did they want her to know? Did they even care?

~

"So this is it!" Rachel announced, flicking on the light to the apartment she shared with Chandler, "I don't know if you remember much from the last time you were here, you had to be rushed to hospital a few minutes after you arrived."

"I remember." Monica mumbled inaudibly, as she looked around the apartment. She vaguely recalled being here less than 72 hours ago. It seemed like so much more than only three days had passed since she had last been here. 

"Rachel?" Monica asked timidly, not sure how to address her former-best friend, "Uh – where is my luggage? Ross said he would ask you or Chandler to come around his place to pick it up."

"Oh, Monica! Ross told me and everything, I just forgot." Rachel said, seeming genuinely sorry, "Honey?" she said turning to face Chandler, "Could you go pick it up? Please? I'll get Monica settled." She told him flashing him a smile and a look. He knew Rachel wanted to talk to Monica alone.

He kissed her forehead and nodded, "I'll be back in like ten minutes, babe."

"Thanks honey." Monica watched the scene with jealousy. 'Babe' had been her special nick-name, when she and Chandler had been together. Now it was Rachel's. That hurt.

As soon as the door fully closed, Rachel had turned to face her. Monica looked into her face, but her expression was unreadable.

"Monica. We need to talk." Monica gulped. She had known this was coming, but that didn't make it any less intimidating. Next to Rachel, Monica had always felt like the stronger woman, now she just felt vulnerable.

"Yes?" Monica asked in a voice that indicated just how intimidated she was.

"I – I don't want to scream at you. I'm not – not mad." 

"Really?" Monica's voice showed the relief she felt.

"Yes. I just – just wanted to invite you to my and Chandler's wedding." Rachel said making sure to meet Monica's eyes, "I know it must be weird to watch someone you once loved get married, hell I've done it. But I also know it's worse not being there at all. I just want to give you a chance to come; you don't have to if you don't want to. And I know Chandler wants you to come, too, Monica. He still cares deeply about you. He acts distant because he's scared, not because he wants to hurt you. He's better than that."

"I know. Okay? I know he's better than me and I don't deserve him, maybe I never did. You don't have to tell me for me to be able to see that. I'm no better than all those other bitches he dated that hurt him." Monica choked out not sure if she was feeling sorry for herself or Rachel, "But, I do want to come to your wedding. I wouldn't miss him getting married for the world. Thank you for being what he deserves." 

Rachel smiled before taking a deep breath, "That's not all I wanted to talk about. There were some things said between you and Phoebe, purposely meant to hurt one another. I know she told you about Chandler's depression and Joey's alcohol problems." Rachel told her. Monica half-smiled, not sure if Rachel had left out her miscarriages on purpose, "I know she made you think you were completely at fault, but you weren't. They ultimately made their own decisions."

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"Phoebe told me you had two miscarriages, too."

"Did she?" Monica noted Rachel didn't appear surprised.

"Yeah. I just want to say I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of losing a child – twice. I know it hurts. It's the worst feeling in the world. You feel responsible and horrible, like you just want to crawl in a hole and die. I know. And I am so sorry Rachel - So sorry it happened to you. I been feeling so sorry for myself this whole time I never – never realized what was happening to others around me. I know how feels to lose a baby. To lose Chandler's baby." 

Before Monica could even register the shock on Rachel's face, they were embraced in a tearful hug.

**AN: Finally a somewhat decent cliffhanger and some answers! (incase you didn't get that ending – Monica had a miscarriage too) I've got this whole fic planned out now! Finally! I've figured out where this is heading and what couple will most probably be together in the end. But I have yet to write it. More answers are coming. Comments and Reviews greatly appreciated!**


	7. The Heart Of The Matter

**The Heart Of The Matter**

**AN: I'm sorry about the long delay for this chapter, I know it's been over two months but I didn't feel inspired to write much of anything, so I figured it better to wait than to post something I know belongs in the trash. I maintain that this story is not for Die-hard Chandler and Monica fans, if you can't stand them not being together, simply don't read this. Read and enjoy:)**

~

Monica sobbed silently into Rachel's shoulder as they embraced tightly. She hadn't felt this close to anybody on an emotional level in over four years. She soaked in the comforting feeling of knowing she wasn't alone and that other people; people she knew and understood had felt the same way. She held onto Rachel tightly not wanting to break the hug, knowing that when she did Rachel would expect answers. Answers that she was ashamed of; answers that she knew would show how much better Rachel handled emotional duress. It would just be another reason to add to the never-ending list of reasons why Rachel was better for Chandler than herself. Monica knew it was useless trying to prevent Rachel from asking, no matter how long she had to wait, Rachel would eventually discover the truth and how cowardly Monica had been. So slowly, carefully she pulled away from Rachel; only partially prepared to face the questions that would undoubtedly be asked.

Monica could feel Rachel's bright blue gaze –so much like Chandler's– boring into the top of her head as she stared at her shoes in a weak attempt to avoid eye contact and facing the truth. Monica twisted her hands in lap and held her breath waiting for Rachel's voice to break the silence.

Without raising her head Monica saw Rachel open her mouth to say something, then changing her mind, she closed it again and sighed. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't they talk to each other? They had been best friends. They could tell each other anything. Had they really changed that much? 

Monica's head snapped up in surprise when Rachel's soft voice broke the quiet, "Mon..." It wasn't so much a statement as a question. When Monica showed no signs of having heard her, Rachel tried again a little louder, "Monica?" Still no response.

"You want to talk about it?" Rachel asked calmly trying not to act as frustrated and anxious as she felt.

Knowing it was time for her to stop dodging the questions she knew were coming, Monica responded her tone half-way defiant, "Yeah." As soon as the word was out of her mouth Monica felt her stomach un-twist out of the knots the she had unknowingly tied it into, this was nearly as difficult as she had expected it to be. She could do this. It was a simple conversation.

"What happened? Why'd you leave? When did you miscarry?" The questions tumbled out on Rachel's mouth all at once. She half-smiled embarrassed at her own impatient-ness. 

Monica eyed Rachel's feet nervously, still too anxious to look into her face, "It – I guess it all started when I got pregnant." Rachel nodded her head trying to look sympathetic but not pitying, which proved much harder than she thought. "I – I found out I was pregnant when I was about two months into the pregnancy an – and I was – I was terrified. I didn't want a child, I – I wasn't ready for a baby right then, y'know? But I didn't want to have to kill it either. I was just so conflicted in my thoughts and emotions; I made stupid assumptions, about Ch-Chandler mostly. I was petrified, I mean really terrified he'd be angry with me, or worse, tell me to get an abortion or leave..." Monica paused, momentarily regarding the shocked look on Rachel's face, "So I decided I'd leave before he had a chance to tell me to. I figured I'd never tell him I was pregnant and just – just leave, an-and-" by this point silent tears were dripping down Monica's face causing her choke to on her words.

Using the pause Monica had created, Rachel interrupted before she could continue, "Monica I can't honestly say I know how you felt, but sweetie, Chandler would never _ever_ have done that, he loved you, he loved you so much, he still does on many levels, I know he loves me and wants to marry me, but you hold that special place in his heart, you know what I mean? You were the first woman he seriously saw his future with, the first person he actually pictured himself marrying, I know he loved Kathy and maybe even Janice before you, but not in the same way. Trust me when I tell you he wouldn't have hurt you."

"You don't think I know that Rachel? Not telling him I was pregnant was the stupidest thing I have ever done. For four years, I tried to convince myself that it was his fault I was alone and miserable. That it was his fault our child was dead. I used that as an excuse to not see him for four years. All that time, I knew I still loved him, but I couldn't forgive him, for something I had done; something that was my fault; something he knew nothing about. How horrible does that make me? It took me four damn years realize it was my own fault and that there was nothing Chandler could've done to prevent my miscarriage, because he didn't even know I was pregnant in the first place. Do you know how completely stupid that made me feel? Four years and I still can't come back and face him, to tell him the truth. I'll start to tell him but then stop again because it's just too hard to say the words, I can't. I can't hurt him again. I hate that look he gets in his eyes when he's hurt. I can't stand being the one who makes him look like that. It breaks me, the way his eyes get all vulnerable looking, and show the obvious pain he's feeling but he's trying to hide it 'cause he doesn't want me to feel bad, and that only makes me feel worse for hurting him in the first place."

"I know exactly what you mean Hon, that's why I can never stand to stay mad at him long, I hate the hurt look too. C'mere." Rachel offered, extending her arms. Monica hugged her, feeling slightly better, and relived that Rachel understood.

"How come I can't talk to him, I want him to know the truth." Monica whispered, frustrated.

"Monica, I can't claim to say I understand how that felt, but-"

"Of course you couldn't!" Monica interrupted in a soft voice, "You did everything right. You stayed in New York. You told everyone you loved you were pregnant. You had them there to support and love you; to tell you in wasn't you fault when you suffered your miscarriage. You had Phoebe, Joey, Ross and – and Chandler. I had no one." Monica sniffed, placing her head in her hands, feeling more than a little sorry for herself.

"Monica you chose to have it that way. You seriously don't know how it feels to have your child not wanted. When I got pregnant the first time, by Steve, he told me he wanted nothing to do with our child or me and it was my own fault I was pregnant. You may think you were worse off, but you've never heard the father of your child tell you that he wants nothing to do with his own child, with your child. It just hurt so much, Monica. Unbelievable pain. I was just – just numb, I didn't think that anyone human, let alone a man I thought I was in love with could feel that way. I just stopped caring, by the time I realized I was being stupid, it was too late, I'd already miscarried." Rachel told Monica calmly.

"My God, my God. I'm so sorry. I don't mean that you couldn't have felt the same hurt I did" Monica sobbed, "I'm trying to understand I really am." 

"Mon, I'm just trying to say, we all have a choice sometimes we make the wrong ones. I made a wrong choice with Steve and you made a wrong choice when you left Chandler. But those mistakes don't last forever, you still have a choice to be happy, you know."

Monica bit her lip feeling irritated with Rachel. How did she know everything would be all right? Nothing would ever be all right again in Monica's world. Chandler loved Rachel and there was nothing she could do to change that.

Rachel didn't notice Monica's change in demeanour and continued anyway, "When you left Chandler was worried out of his mind, and you let him believe it was his fault you left, you gave no explanation, how do you seriously think he felt? The woman he loves and is about to propose to up and leaves for no reason? You think he blamed himself? Of course he did! Not once, not once did he try to blame you!"

"He- he what?" Monica stuttered, completely forgetting her earlier thoughts.

"What did you think he would blame you?" Rachel asked sarcastically, "Are you kidding? You were damn close to perfect in his eyes, you could do no wron-"

"No, no, no, no, no. He was going to propose to me?" Monica breathed, slumping into her chair feeling ten-times worse than when this conversation had begun, "And I left."

When Rachel regarded her question with a solemn nod, Monica gasped, "You better not be joking, because this is very, _very_ _not _funny. He was really, really going to propose to me?"

"Yes he was." Monica and Rachel jumped in their seats, turning towards the voice. Monica ran a hand quickly across her face, wiping away the tearstains smudged on her face. She looked sadly up at Chandler, who had entered the apartment carrying Monica's luggage without either of the girls noticing. A million thoughts soared through her brain, not one of them making it to her mouth. All she could do was look at him helplessly wondering why he had ever loved her, she had done nothing but cause him hurt and heartache. 

**AN: The next chapter will most likely be second from last in this series, it probably won't take me another two months to get the next chapter up, but don't hold me to my word…**


	8. Are You Happy Now?

**Are You Happy Now?**

**AN: Kay, I decided since I'm in good mood(finishing a week as a sophomore is a good enough reason to be happy, right?), I'd work on finishing this series, which is nearly done. Once again, for all those who aren't going to read the summary, I'll warn that this story is _not for CMers_ _or RRers or even RJers for that _matter, if that is what you are looking for, look elsewhere. I've broken up all the couple stereotypes.  If you know you won't like it, don't bother reading and sending flames, it not going to help you or me in any way, 'cause I'm not going to change it 'cause you feel it's 'wrong'. To all those still interested, read and enjoy:)**

~

Monica watched as Chandler stepped further into the apartment. Her stomach was flipping involuntarily and her heart filled with a strange fascination. She couldn't bring herself to take her eyes off him.  She sat in shock still absorbing what she had just been told. Chandler had wanted to marry her, all those years she had worried thinking he wouldn't have wanted to fully commit to her or the child she had miscarried. Was it possible for her to feel and worse? It sure didn't seem like it at the moment.

Still unable to find her voice, Monica watched as Rachel tentatively pulled herself off the smooth surface of the leather couch and placed herself into Chandler's arms. He held her loosely, almost numbly. Only his eyes showed signs of emotion. 

Rachel hugged him encouragingly and rested her head on his chest, addressing him like a mother would a young child, "Honey. I think you need some time to talk to Monica." She stated, clearly not very fond of the idea, but willing to agree for his benefit.

He nodded resignedly, looking warily in Monica's direction. When his eyes met hers, Monica flinched at the intensity of his stare. When she was sure she about to die from the power of his glare, he turned away, once again looking at Rachel. She enviously noted that his eyes had returned to the soft, aquamarine blue, which unmistakably reflected feelings of love.

"O – okay." Rachel stuttered, "I'll just be -um- going now. Um- I'll stay the night at Ross and Phoebe's."

Chandler looked alarmed at this revelation. He lowered his a voice in an attempt to prevent Monica from hearing, she heard anyway, "You're leaving me alone? You're not staying with me? You're leaving me all alone? W-w-with her? With Monica? All alone? Don't you love me at all? You can't leave me alone with her!" his voice came out in a much faster, higher-pitch than he had intended. He looked at Rachel with wide eyes, silently begging her not to leave his side.

Monica sighed quietly, looking uncomfortably at the floor, hating that Chandler felt he couldn't talk to her, let alone be on his own with her. Phoebe had been dead on when she had said Chandler refused to trust anybody but Rachel. It was already very clear to her and she hadn't even spent a full 24 hours with them.

"Sweetie, you need to talk to her. You don't need me interrupting. Besides we already discussed what we needed to." Rachel flashed her most winning smile and tried to act supportive and persuasive. The most difficult task was convincing herself. Chandler would agree in the end. She knew he would breakdown his defences eventually, he was stubborn, but she knew he could never deny her for long without feeling guilty. She had a far more difficult time telling herself she wanted Chandler alone with Monica. Anything could happen. He could decide he was suddenly in love with Monica and leave her to be with Monica. He could feel so guilty about her miscarriage, he might kiss her… or. She didn't even want to think about the 'or' possibilities. Rachel scolded herself for even daring to think about those minimal possibilities. Chandler would never do that. 'You love him; he loves you. With that love comes trust.' She told herself steadily, repeating the words in a mantra like fashion. She could trust him. She did.

Monica focused on the sea-green colour of the walls in a feeble attempt to block out the sounds of Rachel and Chandler being happy. It hurt too much to listen to. She desperately wished she didn't feel this way. Anything would be better than this. Anything. She squinted her eyes closed tightly and slouched back into her chair humming loudly in her head.

Chandler hugged Rachel tightly, kissing her hair. She knew as soon as he did this, that he had relented, even though he hadn't yet said so.

He sighed into her neck, "I love you."

Rachel smiled; her doubts all washing away with those three simple words. "Go talk to her, Chandler, you two have all night to talk this over, I'll be back in the morning. I love you." He kissed her silently, watching her back as she pulled away and walked out the door.

Chandler nervously watched the door close gently behind Rachel. He glanced quickly at the couch, wondering how start a conversation with his ex-girlfriend. He walked halfway towards her and turned back, too uneasy to form a coherent thought. Taking a deep breath and trying to think of happy things, Chandler mechanically forced himself across the room and seated himself two feet away from Monica on the couch. He sat stiffly for a moment before calling her name quietly.

Monica was so immersed in her imaginary humming she didn't even hear as Chandler slipped into the seat adjacent to hers and said her name softly. 

"Monica?" he tried again, this time touching her hand hoping snap her out of her reverie. The simple contact felt like fire against Monica's skin. She pulled away sharply as if she actually had been burned. She felt oddly pleased at the hurt expression that appeared briefly on his face, before it was once again replaced with a poker face, which revealed no emotion. 

It felt good to know that the pain was a mutual feeling.

"Monica, I'm sorry. I heard most everything you said to Rachel, an- and, well, I'm just sorry that you had to do all that alone," he mumbled keeping his head hung low. Monica opened her mouth to reply, but found she had nothing to say. She hadn't expected him to apologize. She knew she should be the one saying she was sorry, not him, but pride prevented her from telling him this.

Struggling to find her voice, Monica looked at him with glassy, tear-filled eyes, "Wh-what do you have to be sorry for? I messed up your life, you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for-" her voice trailed off as she realized this was the truth.

"Monica, I'm not expecting you to understand quite how I feel, but I'm sorry I gave you a reason not to trust me." He said timidly, almost as if he was a afraid of what she might say, "I never wanted to make you feel like that. I wanted to love you unconditionally, but we got so distant those last few days before you left… I guess I kinda pushed you into leaving without thinking about it. I will regret that we never got a chance to try to take our relationship further, but I'm happy now, good things came from you leaving." Monica bit back a sarcastic reply to this comment, and tried to keep her plastic smile in place. "I'm with who I am meant to be with now. I will always be thankful that our break-up led me to Rachel."

'Rachel, of course, how could anyone forget? Rachel and Chandler, the **_all-perfect_** couple' Monica thought bitterly.

"But you wanted to marry me!" Monica burst out frustrated, "If you ever really loved me, why weren't you trying to find me and your child? If you really cared you would be thinking about me and not screwing my best-friend!"

"Can't you understand how completely selfish you are being?" Chandler's eyes narrowed, but his tone was still the same timid one as before, "You were done with me you left me 'cause you weren't happy! Why would I look for you and try to drag you into a relationship you didn't want? You made it clear you didn't need me anymore." He pointed out sadly, fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt.

"I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I was scared!" Monica exclaimed, throwing her hands dramatically in the air.

"Scared or not, you stopped loving me at some point. We weren't meant to be." He looked at her knees, not daring to look into to her face, surprised to find her head hung low, he eyes focused steadily at the floor, "Monica, I may not have seen you for four years, but I can still tell when you're lying," he prodded gently.

"I still love you, okay?" Monica blurted, wondering as soon as the words had hit the air if he had done the wrong thing by telling him.

"What?" he asked, his head bolting upwards; his eyes finding her hers, as he finally he forced himself to make eye contact. He could tell by the way she stared steadily back at him that she was telling the truth. 

"Don't look so surprised. You love me, too. I can see it in your eyes. Are you happy now, baby?" Chandler flinched at the term of endearment, which suddenly seemed very mocking, "Are you really, truly content with Rachel?" She inched closer to him; close enough to touch his face. She pushed him against the back of the couch, bending closer. He leaned away from her involuntarily out of loyalty to Rachel. 

"I have no feelings for you." He said louder than necessary, looking panicked at the lack of space between them, "I love Rachel. I am happy with her. I love her so much, so much more than I ever loved you, ever," he said harshly, hoping she would abandon the topic and back off, "You couldn't even compare the two." She inched closer, still undaunted. She was now close enough to kiss him, with a single head movement.

Realizing his attempt to distance her wasn't working, he tried a different approach, "Please, Monica, I love Rachel want to marry her. I really want to be her husband, don't make me do this, don't make me choose, plea-" he begged, frightened of the trance-like fire visible in her eyes.

Monica put a finger to his lips quieting him instantly. "I know." She whispered quietly, "I love you enough to want you to be happy, even without me. I'm trying to stop being selfish. I just want to feel your lips on mine one last time. Just once." 

He tried to squirm so Monica couldn't kiss him, but it was too late her legs had already straddled his lap and her lips were already on his.

He attempted to push her away, but found he couldn't concentrate enough to complete the simple act. Only one thought prevailed in mind; how hurt Rachel would be. He had promised he would never hurt her. The longer the kiss went on more he knew Rachel was the one he wanted to be kissing.

Chandler felt panicked as he heard the sound of the front door opening, and a familiar gasp.

Gathering all the willpower he could muster, he forced Monica away, knocking her on to the floor. He whirled to face Rachel, who had already spun on her heel and was sprinting down the apartment hallway.

~

**AN: I think I can safely say this is the second to last chapter in this series. I know Monica comes off horribly in this chapter, especially nearer to the end; she's not really as horrible it seems. It's just what Chandler feels is happening. So to clarify, she's not a bad guy and I'm not trying to make her out as one. She's just a person in love, having difficulty dealing with her repressed feelings for someone she knows she can't have and therefore she acts irrationally. (If that makes any sense…)**


	9. Always And Forever

**_Always and Forever_**

****

**_AN: Yes, I still write stuff (if you even remember me.) It has been at least 3 months since I last wrote anything so, anyone reading this may have to go back and read the rest of the story again. School and a million other things have gotten in the way of writing, sorry, I'll try to update stuff more often from now on. BTW, this is a very R&C-filled chapter so if you don't like that pairing I suggest not reading_**.

~

Chandler watched the door Rachel had thrown open slam against the counter, frozen to his spot. He observed the scene before him in complete silence, tears blurring his view. He felt empty. Completely and totally numb. He couldn't speak, let alone think. He had just lost his best friend and fiancée. And it wasn't even his fault! That was more than enough permission to feel sorry for himself. Wasn't it?

He crumpled into a heap on to the floor next to Monica, hugging his knees and rocking himself back and forth slowly. He refused to look at her, let alone make eye contact. They sat on the floor silently for minutes before Chandler broke the oddly comfortable silence.  

"Monica?" he murmured, his voice cracking with emotion he was very unsuccessfully trying to hide. He turned to face her, slowly, not sure if he wanted to see her face and even more unsure what he wanted to say to this woman. She was not the same Monica he had once known. She was cold and cynical. She was someone he didn't want to get to know better or even attempt to be friendly with.

Monica glanced up at Chandler hopefully. She forced herself to meet his eyes, feeling beyond ashamed when she saw his tearstained face.

Chandler was crying. Chandler hated to cry. 

The tears only served to magnify the blue of his eyes and make him appear more childlike and innocent: almost angelic. 'How could I ever have taken such complete advantage of him, ignoring and toying with his emotions all at once? How could I have hurt him? Not just once but multiple times?'  Monica berated herself, wishing she had a decent answer to her own question.

The now familiar intensity of his eyes still frightened her, "Y-yes?"

"I. Hate. You." Chandler whispered so softly, his voice was barely audible. Those three quiet words hit her harder and hurt much more than a lengthy screaming match would have.

Chandler watched as Monica's face crumpled in shock and hurt. Feeling satisfied he turned his back to her.

He continued to rock himself slowly back and forth on the floor, crying into his knees. He didn't have enough energy to pick himself up. He flinched in shock when Monica tapped him gently on the shoulder. He'd told he hated her. If she didn't understand that she was the last person on the planet he wanted to talk to at that precise moment, then she had another thing coming. He ignored her.

Monica took the silence at consent to continue, "I'm sorry, really, really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I never really meant to hurt you. I love you. I'm so sorry." She pleaded desperately, "Please let me make it up to you."

Chandler picked up the nearest object, a couch cushion and threw it as hard as he could, it hit the fridge and bounced on to the counter knocking off a few magazines and a glass, which shattered upon impact, "How could you possibly help me? Don't you think you've done enough, already?" he replied, his tone hard and icy.

"I know, I don't deserve a second chance, but I'm begging you, please." Monica pleaded sincerely.

"You're right you don't." Chandler answered shortly. At that moment, the will to get away from Monica as soon as possible outweighed his will to not move. He pried himself off the hardwood floor, muttering spitefully at Monica, "I'm going to find Rachel, I need be with her now. I need to be with someone who actually has feelings. I need to be away from you."

With one last spite-filled glare at Monica he marched angrily towards the open door, slamming it shut as hard as he could. On the other side of the door, with a barrier between himself and Monica he suddenly felt his anger melt away, replaced with a growing worry for Rachel. How had he allowed himself to waste those precious 10 minutes sulking and feeling sorry for himself over Monica? He should have been worrying and searching for his soon-to-be-wife, not moping over an ex-girlfriend. 

Not that he really needed to search for her at all… He had a sneaking suspicion he knew where she was headed already. Feeling energized at the thought of finding Rachel and having her back in his arms (he hoped) he took off, jumping down the stairs three at a time praying his guessing of her whereabouts was right.

~

Rachel leaned against the stone fountain, watching the cool water sway around the pool calmly, making the sunken coins shimmer. Watching the water was calming, she only wished that it didn't remind her so much of Chandler's eyes. 

She needed to think objectively which was proving quite difficult as everything around her reminded her of Chandler in some way, shape or form.  The faces of all those who passed by melted into Chandler's, the sparkling water was his eyes… and Central Park itself carried so many memories of them together which made it downright impossible to think about anything but him.

Trying her best to clear her thoughts Rachel sat on the stone fountain, trying to sort out all the information thrown at her in the past week.  She loved Chandler, she knew she did, but couldn't help but feel insecure about how he felt about her. Had he ever really loved her? Or was she just a replacement for Monica? He had felt so genuine in his feelings towards her. Or was he simply a good actor? 

The image of Monica sitting in Chandler's lap, her hands in his hair, kissing him passionately, felt as if it had been permanently imprinted on her brain. She could remember the slightest details, all of which made her sick to her stomach. That image more than anything else was what swayed her thoughts. How could he kiss Monica like that if he truly loved Rachel?  Rachel almost wanted to go back and beg him for the truth, but was too afraid she would catch Monica and Chandler doing something much more passionate than kissing. After all, it had been 20 minutes since she had stormed out. If either of them cared about her at all they'd be out looking for her, and she subconsciously knew this was the first place Chandler would look for her. She was maybe even hoping he would look for her.

Rachel settled on the cold stone, pressing her head into her hands, forcing herself not to allow a single tear to pass through her eyes. He didn't deserve her tears; he didn't deserve anyone's tears. She felt something cold and metallic against her face, and pulled back to inspect her hand, realizing it was her engagement ring. She twirled it around her finger slowly, just looking at the green and white stones embedded into the white gold, remembering his proposal, how they'd both cried, how all that time he was wishing she was Monica, how he'd been taking her for a fool.

Suddenly angry, Rachel twisted the ring off her finger and turned around, prepared to throw it into the fountain, cursing the water once more for reminding her of Chandler's eyes. She raised her hand to throw the ring, caught off-guard when a strong hand wrapped around her wrist stopping her from completing the movement.

"Don't. Please." Chandler's voice whispered from behind her, but it was too late the damage had been done, the ring sailed out of her hand, calmly broke the surface of the water and sunk, mingling with the coins on the bottom of the fountain. 

Rachel stared at the rippled water the extent of what she had done hitting her like a stone. Chandler looked shocked too. He was broken out of his reverie by Rachel struggling slightly against the hand that was still wrapped around her wrist. Noticing he blushed and dropped her hand gently.

"How did you find me?" She asked even though she already knew what his answer would be.

"This is our spot. I just had this feeling you'd come here," He answered vaguely. They stood in silence for a moment, both unsure how to begin a conversation. Chandler was first to speak.

"Rach, Sweetie, you've got to hear me out. Please." He begged trying to read her eyes. 

"I think your actions spoke well enough for you. I come home to grab some pyjamas and found you kissing Monica. I don't need you to explain anything to me. There's nothing to be explained." Rachel informed coolly, avoiding his eyes.

Chandler persisted, ignoring Rachel's previous words, "I didn't do anything. I swear it was only Monica. She kissed me. Please Rach, you've got to believe me. I love you and only you. When Monica kissed me all I could think about was you and how I would be hurting you when I promised I never would. Ask her yourself. Please, please, please, Rachel. I love you." He begged desperately, getting on his knees to be at eye level with her. He grasped her hands tightly, and bit his lip awaiting her reaction.

"I-I doesn't think so Chandler.  You really did have me fooled, I really truly thought you loved me, but all this time I've only been a replacement for Monica, haven't I? You probably bought that ring for Monica didn't you? She just wasn't here for you to give it to. So you gave it to me instead!"

"No, no Rach! You've got it all wrong. I do love you. That ring, it was meant for you. The moment I saw it I knew." She looked at him in a way that informed him she still refused to believe him. He bit his lip trying to think of ways to prove himself to Rachel.

 Rachel watched in absolute shock as he climbed into the fountain, shoes, socks and all. He wadded in the shin deep water to where her ring had fallen and retrieved it, wadding back in her direction, "Rach, this ring is yours, just look closer." He handed her the ring carefully. 

She peered down at the ring, inspecting it carefully wondering what he was talking about it. There was nothing different about this ring, which made it special. She turned the ring in her hands searching for an answer. Quite suddenly she realized something was written on the ring. Inscribed in miniscule writing on the inside of the band was a message she had never noticed before. She read it aloud, "Darling Rachel, I'll Love You Always and Forever."

How had she never noticed it before? She had been wearing this ring for months, surely she would have noticed. Such a simple message with a complicated meaning suddenly had her emotions awhirl again; something so sweet couldn't have been a part of a fake relationship, could it? Instead of pondering anymore, Rachel settled for questioning Chandler, "How… How come you never mentioned this to me before?" she asked suspiciously.

Chandler looked so shy and embarrassed for a moment Rachel almost kissed him as the familiar warm feeling filled her chest. She stopped herself quickly letting Chandler explain, "You never were supposed to notice, it was just like a silent promise from me to you, that made that ring have a sort of special hidden meaning. Y'know what I mean?" He glanced at her anxiously, before returning his eyes to his feet.

"I think – I think I do." She smiled slightly; all her doubts about his love for her suddenly washed away. His explanation might not have made sense to many others, but it made sense to her and that was all that mattered. 

He took the ring from her hand, softly, grabbing her left hand and placing the ring on her third finger, "Rach, I know you hate me right now, but I also know I can't live without you. When you agreed to marry me you agreed to forever, you can't break your promise now or ever and neither could I. I love you. Always and Forever."

When he professed his love for her, for the first time that night Rachel allowed herself to believe him and revelled in the words she had missed despite the fact he had said them only minutes ago, only now they had meaning. She allowed him to pull her on his lap, hardly noticing his wet clothes, only the man that wore them. She kissed him letting go of all the frustration and anger she had felt in the past few hours and soaked in the comforting familiar feel of his kiss, and his arms around her. She had her Chandler back and that was all that she could dream of at that moment.

**_Okay, so I lied, this might not be the last chapter. There may be one more, to help resolve all the (unresolved) issues between Monica and Chandler and Rachel, if there is any demand to have those loose ends tied up, if not I think this is quite a nice ending spot._**

****

**_Oh and yes I do know the last half of this chapter is sugar sweet without nay real form of plot and that Chandler's engraved message is beyond tacky, but I am not good with the romantic stuff, you're lucky I squeezed in any at all:) _**


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